Luke 12:6-7
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten in God's sight. But even the hairs of your head are all counted. Do not be afraid; you are of more value . . .
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| The Holy Family Shows Us How to Create a Healthy Home -Fr. Lawrence G. Lovasik |
There are hundreds of ways that parents can provide imperfect love. Whenever a parent puts his or her own feelings and needs before the child's, a lesson of imperfect love is being taught. When a parent selfishly neglects a child's needs for nurturance, imperfect love is taught. When a parent selfishly neglects a child's needs for autonomy, imperfect love is also taught. There are too many ways to list that parents love imperfectly, but we've all received it in some form and measure. We all love imperfectly, but this has the most influence on children who are made to learn what love is from their parents.
An Integrated Look at the Holy Family
(p. 14)
Bottaro and Settle
What are the areas of miseducation you may have received from your childhood?
That love has to be earned. That love can be taken away without warning in confusing and unresolved ways. When my parents left me in India to get settled in America, I received a wound that increased my sensitivity to all forms of abandonment and rejection. There was a chip on my shoulder. From that point on, I thought I had to be perfect, especially in school, to be worthy of my parents' love. I carried with me an irrational fear that I could be abandoned at any moment for no discernable reason.
My identity, my drive, what major I chose in college, the fact that I went to medical school -- these all flowed from a misguided desire to please my parents. To this day, I have a hard time dealing with conflict or handling criticism in mature, self-secure ways. Perceived sleights linger. Any disagreements or misunderstandings can stay lodged in my heart. I become uncharitable and unloving as a result. Or ask (often silently or indirectly) for "proof" of other people's love and concern for me.
How might your parents' marriage have missed the mark of perfection in teaching you what love looks like?
There are times I remember my dad being insensitive to my mom's emotional needs, to the point of ridiculing her. I loved my mom so much because she was more tender with me and taught me how to pray. It hurt me to see her hurt. Though they were both dutiful with nightly family prayer, church functions, retreats, and other public displays of religiosity, I don't remember witnessing how God's love guided and upheld their marriage.
Even as my parents didn't express love for me with affection and affirmation, neither did my parents express affection or affirmation with each other. They laughed a lot together, spoke to us children in one, unified voice, and sacrificed much for each other. But there was something about their love that seemed almost held back or kept in check. It didn't seem generous or graceful or passionate.
How might your relationship with your mom and with your dad missed the mark?
I did not see clearly how to love others in self-secure way with generosity, affection and gratitude. Rather, I connected to love with co-dependency. Their love lacked trust in my autonomy or respect and delight in my unique gifts, my joyful sometimes whimsical nature, my openness to new experience and spontanaeity. I connected love with control and fear, guilt and and shame, unworthiness and dishonesty.
My dad did not know how to invite me into mature manhood. My weaknesses were pointed out, but my strengths, talents, and resilience were usually unacknowledged. I did not believe that my dad believed in me. He tended to talk down to me, dismiss me ideas, or put me down.
My mom had a hard time accepting my emotions. I often felt that my feelings were invalid and should be repressed or hidden. She did not know how to celebrate joyful moments, sometimes undercutting things I was proud of or excited for. She had a hard time holding me through painful situations without immediately offering off-the-mark direction or solutions.
Often, their stress and anxiety came out with impatience and sarcasm directed at me.
What specific mom-wounds and dad-wounds do you need healed?
- Abandonment
- Rejection
- Repression of emotions
- Criticism and redicule
- Anger, resentment, fear of conflict
- Passive aggression, lies, manipulation
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